My mentor is the bride of Satan. She is sarcastic, passive-aggressive, insensitive and, on good days, ignores me or keeps calling me Karen. That’s not my name. I’m starting to believe that I am stupid and incompetent. I was at the top of my class. I feel like I will never get my confidence back, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m cut out to be a lawyer if this is what I have to put up with.
— Shadow of Her Former Self
Sometimes the cruelties we endure at work can really erode our confidence and self-esteem. Short of quitting in order to escape, how do we cope with a workplace tyrant on a day-to-day basis? As I’ve said before, focussing on the behaviour rather than on the person is an important step to dealing with awful people. Shadow, you cannot change your mentor. You cannot go mano a mano with her without risking your job. You certainly cannot let her crush you. You may not be able to change your mentor, but you can manage your own attitude and feelings so that you are not only better able to deal with her but emerge stronger for having survived her. This is just another teaching moment.
The bad news is that you will encounter tyrants no matter where you go. Just keep in mind that your mentor’s behaviour has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be in her path. Often, the tyrants who scream and hurl abuse at others do so to compensate for their own shortcomings and feelings of inadequacy. After all, would a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, confident human being need to treat others like that? Your mentor’s behaviour should elicit feelings of pity rather than fear and dread. You want to get out of the victim headspace? Try feeling sorry for your mentor. Really. She needs your compassion and forbearance. Can you imagine what it must be like to be married to Satan?
A practical tip when confronted with personal attacks, insults and criticism designed only to hurt and humiliate is to say as little as possible and to remain calm. You simply do not have sufficient emotional distance while still in the moment to go “off script.” If you go off script, you will start to cry or rant because your emotions, not your brain, will be in control. Keep your responses short and all business. Don’t forget to thank the partner in earnest before she returns to her lair. Checkmate.
Just as you would not attempt to have a polite discussion about Kant’s theory of categorical imperative with a rabid dog that is frothing at the mouth, it is futile to engage with a person whose principal aim is to attack or elicit an emotional reaction from you. Shadow, you got through law school and graduated at the top of your class, your heart bursting with hopes and dreams. Sniffles. No one gets to take that away from you, least of all your poor, rabid mentor. Remember that a suffering animal needs compassion.
Sandra Rosier is a former Supreme Court of Canada clerk who has worked at large firms in Toronto and Boston. Having come to her senses, Sandra currently works as a tax advisor at a Toronto-based organization. Her etiquette column for lawyers appears every other Monday at lawandstyle.ca. Got a question for Sandra? Email us.
Photo by Marshall Astor