I am a new associate at a medium sized labour firm. I was in the kitchen getting coffee the other day when one of the senior partners came in and told me that the main boardroom needed cleaning up. It took me a second to clue in but he thought I was…catering staff?! I was so shocked I just stood there with my mouth open. I guess I should mention that I am one of two “visible minorities” (I hate that label) at my firm. What is the appropriate response in that situation? I feel like I should have said something.
— The Help
Groan. I will start by saying that this is where I struggle with whether this platform can ever do justice to this kind of question. Call me naïve but I believe that such behaviour is usually the result of stupidity and ignorance rather than deliberate malice. Neither is an excuse, of course, and the behaviour is no less hurtful and dangerous for the absence of malice. Help, there are no rules of etiquette for the correct response to discriminatory behaviour.
Biases are dangerous precisely because they are unintentional in most cases. Where there is no intent, it is tempting to abdicate responsibility. But whether you mean it is beside the point. Biases can become systemic obstacles that can defeat meritocracy and result in lost value for organizations. Let’s pick on that clubbed baby seal of humanity: the long suffering endangered white male. Fact is, he is perceived as being native to the corporate environment. Perfectly logical: he’s usually the boss and the norm. Although the landscape is changing, it sometimes feels like every one else is “alien” in varying degrees, tolerated, accommodated and integrated if we’re really good. How I long for invisibility.
In my first week at a new firm, I attended the bi-weekly practice group meeting. Before I could sit down, one of the partners that I hadn’t met leaned over and said: “I think you’re in the wrong meeting.” I indicated that I was quite sure I was in the right meeting, selected a chair then started towards the lunch bar. “No, she persisted, you have the wrong meeting. This is a tax practice meeting.” By now, I was really enjoying myself. And then she said it. “You’re probably looking for the admin assistant lunch.” I considered whether a Karate Kid style crescent kick would be the right manoeuvre at that distance but didn’t want to risk scuffing my Jimmy Choo on her teeth. So, I paused and introduced myself as the new associate. I savoured the expression on her face like a fine Pinot Noir.
By that time in my career, I found the incident empowering and amusing rather than yet another crushing blow by The Man. Help, your response was appropriate and entirely human. I would urge you not to compound the insult by casting yourself in the role of victim. When I was very small, I asked my mom why she did not respond to a racial slur. “Never negotiate your humanity,” she said. I didn’t understand until much later. You are not the help — or, at least, not the kitchen help. The good news is that the day of reckoning will come when that man will spot you sitting across from him at the boardroom table and think “crap.” Savour that moment.
Sandra Rosier is a former Supreme Court of Canada clerk who has worked at large firms in Toronto and Boston. Having come to her senses, Sandra currently works as a tax advisor at a Toronto-based organization. Her etiquette column for lawyers appears every other Monday at lawandstyle.ca. Got a question for Sandra? Email us.
Photo by Eric Skiff