I work with this male partner who uses profanity all the time and generally behaves like a Barbarian. I am not a prude, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable, especially when we’re alone in his office. Should I say something?
— Nancy
Nancy, I don’t think you should do a darn thing about it unless he has crossed the line. I’m going to assume that this is not a situation where you feel physically threatened or harassed. What I have gathered from the facts is that you are dealing with a primate at the office and you find him really gross. Welcome to the jungle. Corporate culture is steeped in testosterone, from the language of the deal in its calculated use of war and sports metaphors, to the sadomasochistic one-upmanship of scheduling conference calls on Christmas Day, to the very way in which certain men verbalize their authority and physically occupy the corporate space. Like it or not, alpha-maleness remains a valuable commodity in today’s corporate workplace.
One day another female associate and I were summoned to attend a 6 p.m. conference call. The partner did not look up when we entered the room. We sat down at a round table in this tiny boardroom designed to accommodate four people. As the partner spoke during the call, he progressively leaned back in his chair. At one point, he put his foot up on the boardroom table. My colleague shifted in her chair to move her face away from the bottom of his shoe. He continued to lean back, so far that I feared he might flip backwards in the swivel chair.
He started fiddling with a paper clip, which he painstakingly uncoiled in his quasi-horizontal position. As we looked on in barely concealed amazement, he proceeded to pick his teeth with the paper clip, periodically wiping the effluvium on his shirt sleeve.
He never once made eye contact with either of us. As he meticulously searched his gumline for plaque with the paperclip, he looked at the phone, the ceiling, the walls, and stared out into space. When the call was done, the other associate and I left the boardroom, barely able to contain our desire to laugh. But I also remember feeling really insulted. I thought, “How dare he?” It was with great relief that neither of us heard from that partner again.
It is common knowledge among primatologists that alpha males signal their domination over subordinates by openly engaging in acts of personal hygiene. However, really smart people know that in the case of human primates, the dominating, macho, hyper-competitive, bombastic attitude that defines the alpha male is actually thinly disguised weakness and insecurity. My advice to you, Nancy, is to refrain from aping the ape. Beating your chest, glowering menacingly or baring your teeth will only provoke a defensive response. Merely recognizing the behaviour for what it is, and not taking it personally, is tremendously liberating. There are different forms of power. To the extent there is no threat, focus on your work and ignore the apish behaviour — unless of course he attempts to delouse you. Hopefully, your calm, polite and intelligent response will have a civilizing influence.
Sandra Rosier is a former Supreme Court of Canada clerk who has worked at large firms in Toronto and Boston. Having come to her senses, Sandra currently practices tax law at a smallish Toronto firm. Her etiquette column for lawyers appears every other Monday at lawandstyle.ca. Got a question for Sandra? Email us.
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