Now that I am approaching 35 years old, I can feel myself losing the imperviousness of youth. It’s the same with all of my friends. We gain weight, lose hair, fall asleep early, throw out our backs, blow out our knees and – horror of horrors – give up cheese because of chronic stomach ailments.
With these cracks in the foundation, it’s no wonder that I notice a lot of advertisements for alternative medicine: St. John’s Wort for depression. Echinacea for colds. Chiropractors for detonating lumbar pain. Some e-mails in my spam filter offering male anatomical boosters that sound more suitable for livestock.
Whatever. There is only one herbal remedy that I use and I find it at the liquor store.
It is called Fernet Branca Amer ($21.90, Vintages #220145), and it is a miracle drug.
Fernet Branca is a liqueur with an almost magical ability to assist digestion. It calms the stomach and quells the discomfort that arises after any over-indulgence in rich food or strong drink. If that weren’t enough, it is also recommended for menstrual cramps, motion sickness, headaches and hangovers.
It was concocted by an Milanese herbalist named Bernardino Branca in the 1840s and the formula has stayed secret for almost 200 years although it’s known to contain aloe, rhubarb, tree bark and saffron. It’s potently alcoholic (40 percent) and fits into the family of “amari” or Italian herbal bitters. Vermouth is a much more popular style of amari, but it is a weakling compared to the liquors made it the fernet style – they are the bitterest of the bitter.
I will not mince words: Fernet Branca tastes like the gummy paste you find between an old sneaker and its partially detached rubber sole. As one writer put it, drinking it for the first time is like being “punched squarely in the nose while sucking on a mentholated cough drop”. But you will come to tolerate its striking taste when you begin to associate it with the opiate-like relief it brings. After a while, it tastes like Brio.
As a matter of fact, some go mad for its flavours. As a fossil from Prohibition days (when it was marketed as a “medicine”), it is still popular in San Francisco’s bars. In Argentina (where it’s mixed with Coke), Fernet Branca has the status of a national beverage.
If you find Fernet Branca is too robust, you can also try Amaro Averna ($24.25 [Ed. note: No longer available], LCBO #109843). This amari is not as powerful, but it is much sweeter (43 sugar content to Branca’s 4) which makes it easier on the palate. Either one is an excellent digestif to offer guests after a long dinner party to send them home with happy bellies. That is my definition of holistic medicine.
Matthew Sullivan is a civil litigator in Toronto. He writes a weekly blog entry here on lawandstyle.ca. The Short Cellar column appears in the print edition of Precedent. Matthew can be reached at matthew@lawandstyle.beta-site.ca