If there is one trait that renders me uniquely unqualified for the position of wine critic, it is my susceptibility to hangovers. My friends and acquaintances seem to get headaches or queasy stomachs. I, on the other hand, enter a state that combines the severities of heroin withdrawal with the Ebola virus. It isn’t pretty, and I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I have spent two decades looking for an effective remedy.
The Internet is teeming with hangover advice. In particular, I recommend this article from the New Yorker. It describes how a hangover isn’t just one thing going wrong with your body, but a constellation of several maladies: inflammation caused by too many white blood cells, low blood sugar, dehydration and withdrawal. On top of it all, in order to battle the toxicity of the alcohol, your body releases chemicals which are even more toxic. The article also describes how most hangover cures (hot spices, more alcohol, greasy food) don’t kick-start your system, but merely give it something else to worry about. Your body switches from cleaning up the alcohol to cleaning up the fried eggs you’ve just slid down your throat. But at least fried eggs are less painful to process.
My own quest for a cure has largely been a bust, but I offer you the Short Cellar’s Least Effective Hangover Cures so you can learn from my mistakes:
- Doing Nothing. An article published in the British Medical Journal in 2005 found that there is “no compelling evidence” that there is any intervention whatsoever that can prevent or treat the hangover. Thanks science.
- Activated Charcoal Tablets. Doctors sometimes give carbon (aka charcoal) in pill form to people who have consumed poisons because it is a binding agent that inhibits absorption in the gastrointestinal tract. Health food stores sell these tablets over-the-counter as a cure for diarrhea and flatulence. When I was a student, one of my insane roommates proscribed three of these pills during one of my worst hangovers. He said it was an “all natural” cure. The result: my hangover raged just as powerfully, but my vomit became jet black, robbing me of my last iota of dignity. It was like the Exorcist. Thanks folk medicine.
- Female Sex Hormones. Did you know that the National Review of Medicine has funny pages? I didn’t – until I stumbled upon this disturbing report that suggests that some youths in Toronto are using the Morning After Pill as a hangover cure. Boys, you may have cured your headache, but you are setting yourself up for menstrual cramps.
- English Literature. The New York Times recently ran a piece suggesting that one way to prevent a hangover is through “aversion therapy”. Before going out on the town, read some particularly harrowing descriptions of alcohol’s ravages from the Western canon. Suggested authors: Tom Wolfe, Kingsley Amos and Edgar Allan Poe. My suggestion: remember the Activated Charcoal…
Matthew Sullivan is a civil litigator in Toronto. He writes a weekly blog entry here on lawandstyle.ca. The Short Cellar column appears in the print edition of Precedent. Matthew can be reached at matthew@lawandstyle.beta-site.ca