I’m not a lawyer but I’m married to one. Unfortunately, my husband is married to his BlackBerry. The subtext is that I can’t complain because I’m a stay-at-home mom. But does he really need to check his email at our daughter’s ballet recital or when we’re visiting my dad at the hospital?
— BlackBerry Wife
As tempted as I am to start slinging mud at your husband, let me take his side for a second. Your husband probably works hard to take good care of his family. Law is an exacting profession. Lawyers must be responsive to the needs of increasingly demanding clients (not to mention firms) in a brutally competitive marketplace. Ironically, while handheld computers or smartphones — like the iPhone and BlackBerry — have dramatically increased the efficiency of how lawyers deliver services, these devices have elevated the expectations of clients to an unreasonable degree. The result is that many lawyers feel that they are perpetually on-call and can never “log off,” no matter where or with whom they happen to be. What a shame.
BlackBerry Wife, you are the most important partner in your husband’s life. I don’t buy the argument that because a professional “brings home the bacon,” his family is never entitled to his or her full attention and respect. You deserve better.
Try as he might to cloak his actions in martyrdom or nobility, when your husband checks his BlackBerry during your daughter’s ballet recital, what he is saying is:
- You are not important enough to warrant my full attention;
- I would rather be somewhere else…like at work;
- I don’t care about your feelings and needs;
- I’m an indispensable big shot who is in constant demand.
There are moments in our lives that demand our undivided attention. At those times, checking your handheld is tantamount to engaging in an exceedingly rude, filthy act that really should be conducted in private. It is insensitive, disrespectful, obnoxious and, oh…inefficient. As you peck away at your BlackBerry at the dinner table under the glare of your partner’s and friends’ seething resentment, how focussed and effective can you be as a lawyer? More importantly, what kind of spouse and friend are you at that moment? You’re only succeeding at doing two things badly.
I remember experiencing my own epiphany when our 20-month-old tried to flush my BlackBerry down the toilet because he thought it was “yucky poopoo.” Understandable. We were in the middle of story time!
If it is that critically important for you to check your handheld, excuse yourself and pull it out in private. As a rule, my family rarely sees me with BlackBerry in hand, although I manage to check it discreetly (I hope) about once an hour. Of course, there are times in the frenzy of our daily routine, when we are stressed, busy or late and have to get on the cell phone or text or send a quick email. However, it is our responsibility to carve out those sacred moments in our lives where we are fully present. Which exalted sage was it who uttered the words: “life is what happens while you’re checking your BlackBerry?” BlackBerry Wife, flush that BlackBerry down the toilet!
[Editor’s Note: Sandra filed this column via her BlackBerry…on a Sunday.]
Sandra Rosier is a former Supreme Court of Canada clerk who has worked at large firms in Toronto and Boston. Having come to her senses, Sandra currently practices tax law at a smallish Toronto firm. Her etiquette column for lawyers appears every other Monday at lawandstyle.ca. Got a question for Sandra? Email us.
Photo by Ian Lamont